I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
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