I'm jealous of your bromance
8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Randomize
