Nick had a break down & said to me "Everybody's mad at me, I'm the douchebag, Im the fucking douchebag that everyone hates, Do you wanna come home with this douchebag?!"
You're going home with him aren't you?
I'll see ya in the morning when I leave his house
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
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