I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize
