things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
Randomize
