she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
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