I wish I could punch you in the face.
So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
Randomize
