I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
Randomize
