3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
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