U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
He' s half Black and half Italian, I finally asked...this penis maybe one for the records.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
Drinking games this Saturday as usual although the ice cube tray game is banned due to last weeks incident
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
he had hair everywhere except his balls
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
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