I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
Randomize
