I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I would do horrible things to your vagina.
Prove it.
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
Randomize
