you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
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