Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
