I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Randomize
