Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
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