please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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