we have pet lesbian snakes
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
so hungover. idk whos house or comp im on
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
Randomize
