she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
