I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
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