Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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