Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
I really need to stop carrying a flask around with me in my backpack at school..
Aren't you in 8th grade?
9th, but that's not the point.
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
In class ... We were just assigned groups for the quarter... Remember that night we took shots from that guys pants? I now know his name
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
Randomize
