I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
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