census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
You should frame my arrest warrant.
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
