she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
Randomize
