We should takd a huggy cab to snuggle bunnyville
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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