I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
Randomize
