honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
So, does it mean i'm loose if he can't even tell when he fell out?
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
Randomize
