Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
just passed my midterm while getting a blow job. i love going to school online
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
