I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
But we have bathrooms and they dont
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
Randomize
