The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
Randomize
