My first STD was from a foam party
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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