Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
pls come tAke this super bath no romo it's just. so nice.
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
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