I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
so i just calculated it and i would need to score 150% on this final to pass
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize