I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Randomize
