Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
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