If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
