One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I did not pay that kind of money so that It could be hidden. that bra needs to shine in glory so that it can be seen by the world.
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
