Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
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