sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
I think weed is turning my hair brown
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
Is the Glover Park Chipotle past the strip club?
Why is that your only point of reference?
Just answer the question
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
Randomize
