i'm sure her mom would have loved to find out her daughter has herpes via facebook
idk hes just been lookin at me weird all night
he probably just wants to cut your skin off and wear you like a body suit
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
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