i keep myself tagged when other girls look bad/ugly so i look better
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
