Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
I feel like a drive thru vagina
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
Randomize
