are you wasted or are you getting laid?
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wow
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
