I was born with a shot glass in my hand
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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