i puked in the mini-firdge
we don't have a mini-fridge?
bought one. it ws too cheap to pass up. xcept now there's puke in it,,, but the freezer's fine so i feel pretty good about that
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
Randomize
