I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
omg kevin jonas gave his bride a glass slipper..could he be any gayer then he is now
he is so gay. he makes clay aiken look straight. what is wrong with the lady that married him? kevin must be envious of her balls
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
It's a draw. You need to settle it in Smash, Soul Calibur, and/or rock-paper-scissors, the last of which Steve claims is bullshit.
Randomize
