my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
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