when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Randomize
