yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
As long as it's more "this is where i see an issue" vs "psst.... tiddies" then i have no argument
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