who do you think you are?
someone who doesn't ask that question
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
Randomize
