i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
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