I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
Randomize
