Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
Randomize
