oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
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